Guru-Dev: Common Pitfalls on the Path, the Pain of Betrayal, and the "Lotus Lens Framework" for Finding a Dharmic Guru

A Guide to Finding the Right Guru for You--and avoiding the pitfalls I fell into.

A warning and an ode to the love I have for my most precious Aghori Baba.

I sat on the cold, hard ground in frigid -5-degree weather.

I knew I wouldn’t make it.

Despite my previous resolve, the training I’d enlisted in was too hard. So I texted a hasty excuse to my current Acharya and dipped—for the second time.

It wasn’t for me.

But this isn’t the first time I have stumbled into finding a proper guru—only to not be ready for what I encountered. On the contrary, I've fallen into a mountain of mistakes over the past 5 years in my spiritual journey. I don’t regret them; each mistake taught me about what it means to be a better student find a great teacher.

If I can help even one person, it’ll be enough.

What Is a Guru?

So what is a guru proper?

The scripture state:

A person desirous of knowing the highest good, therefore, should resort to a preceptor who is expert in logical exposition of the Brahman couched in words (i.e. Upaniṣhads and Śrutis) and has realized the Supreme Brahman and (the sure index of which is that he) is well-established in the serenity of mind (and detachment).

Quite the mouthful right?

So what is the make of a true spiritual master?

1. They must have firm knowledge of the scriptures.

2. They must possess Vairagya (‘dispassion,’ ‘attachment’) and Samatva (Equanimity).

It’s not enough to be smart and of low character.

Nor is it enough to be of high character and unknowledgeable.

The Ego Trap: Guru Dev, Guru God? Or Something Else?

My first foray into guru devotion was established in 2021 when I lived with my parents. I had led a life of deceit and decided I needed a change. Ironically, it didn’t start in Sanatana Dharma. I did—and still do—practice Vajrayana Buddhism.

3 years later, I was done.

The last conversation I had with my guru at the time, in an organization that will remain unnamed was as follows:

Me: “Vajracharya, what does guru devotion mean?”

V: It means to view me as a god and do whatever I say.

Something about that didn’t sit right with me.

It lacked nuance.

The guru-shishya relationship was one of slavish devotion. Though the shastras d say that one should serve and listen to the Guru—there are clear stipulations and standards that both the Guru and disciple must adhere to.

There was ego there, shining through.

That is not an indicator of Vairagya.

So I left.

Action tip: Be careful about who you devote yourself to. Service is fine, but always listen to your intuition, pay attention to the history and context of your tradition, and NEVER blindly follow. A guru will always be in line with Shastra/Sutra—if they want you to do ‘whatever you say,’ they likely aren’t a good teacher.

On Perversion and Vairagya: My Brief Expedition into the Ramanandi Sampraday

This is not critical of the majority of the Ramanandi I’ve encountered.

I still enjoy the company of several amazing godbrothers and sisters.

I still read Sunderkand on Saturdays and read and recite the Hanuman Chalisa when I can.

I still consider myself one of them, even though my previous teacher has jaded me a bit.

He had an easy smile and all the jokes that one can muster. He refused to take money for initiation, a rarity today, which I still appreciate because it keeps me connected to the tradition I love so much.

Then, the next year, after my diksa ceremony was complete, I got a text from my God brother:

Him: “I’m just calling to check on you; I know you saw the texts about X in X group.”

Me: “What texts?“

Him": “…you didn’t know? I’m so sorry.”

I didn’t want to believe it, but several elicit texts came out between my Sanyassi guru and a homeless woman asking for ‘favors’ in return for donations he had acquired from the greater sangha.

The text ranged from the week before he initiated me at the end of October up till February of this year.

I was devastated.

No one prepares you for the shame you feel when you trust someone and their behavior blindsides you. You feel as if you have egg on your face

Action Tip: Take your time. Finding a guru is a marathon, not a sprint, and too often, we seek to dive into situations that we could avoid out of excitement and eagerness to embrace the path. People will feed on this eagerness and often people who take vows of renunciation are simply running—from themselves or their responsibilities, not actually responding to a higher call.

The “Lotus Lens” Framework For Finding A Proper Guru

I was reading something Tantric scholar Christopher Wallis wrote in Tantric Yoga Now and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. In matters of Guru devotion, and when following a guru’s instructions, one should run it through three lenses whenever possible:

1. The Guru

2. The Shastras

3. Yourself

First, you need to trust the Guru. Is he of good character? Does he have emotional intelligence? Does he embody dharma—truth, righteousness, and fairness in the majority of his doings? Is he intelligent and kind? If you can’t trust a gurus character, everything else WILL fall apart.

Pro-tip: check the status of his senior students, that’s going to be YOU in 10 years. Are his senior students ungrounded? Petty? How’s the culture of the gurukul/sangha? If it leaves a lot to be desired, you likely should’t be there.

Second: study the Shastras. Your gurus teachings should align with Shastra , especially any sadhana they give. If something seems off, respectfully question it and ask where you can read more about it. Don’t be rude, and don’t challenge them unnecessarily or become difficult at every turn, but listen to your gut and listen to your heart. Our subconscious minds work quicker than our logical ones, so gut feelings usually have bearing in truth.

Third: check in with yourself. If you are uncomfortable with any instruction, the guru provides don’t automatically think they’re trying to take advantage of you. Instead, check to see if your resistance is rooted in your small ego. Having a spiritual preceptor isn’t easy, it downright pisses me off and makes me uncomfortable at times. But I can always say it’s for the greater good. Their job isn’t to be your friend—it’s to be a person who illuminates the path of liberation. That said, if they’re asking you something that seems unethical, or can put you or someone else in bodily harm, don’t do it. Your mental state and reactions are valid. Bet on yourself.

If you must ask, I have found a guru—an Aghori Baba—who took me in and treats me with gentleness and care. He is a lion among men, and I’ll follow him to the end—because he has proven to be worthy of this honor. It took a lot of blood, sweat, and pain to get to this point, though. So learn from my mistakes, and if you like what you’ve read, you know what to do:

What tips would you give another person looking to find their guru-dev?

Comment below and let me know. It could save potential shishyas a lot of grief.